Back to Reality!

I was asked dozens of times leading up to the wedding how I felt and if I was nervous. The thing about weddings is that they are full of a lot of different emotions and everyone knows it. At times you are nervous and anxious, then excited and so in love that it makes everything feel like Christmas. Then, there are moments of sadness: the realization that you are actually LEAVING and CLEAVING. Ouch. Then there are moments of numbness, where all of the noise and attention can no longer be processed and the only response to it all is a blank stare. Consequently, after the wedding, it has taken time to trek through the emotions jungle and return to some state of stability and truly appreciate the beautiful gift God has given us.

Before the big day arrived, I was thinking about the Jewish custom at weddings to have specific people hold up a "chuppah": a sheet or banner that represents the home that the couple will build together. Thinking about what Andrea and I will build together, I was confronted with the reality that I really don't know what that will look like. I imagine for many couples, the road is somewhat clear with lucrative jobs, comfortable homes and logical plans already in place, however our "chuppah" looks so much different. Andrea and I have come to a place where we know not what the future holds, only that we are to simply take this immediate step we have in front of us, not needing knowing anything else. The past year has been full of changes in plans and as the man in this equation, I felt the need to have a stable and obvious foundation for our chuppah; an insurance of what the next steps of our life would look like. At the least, a place that we could together call home. We had explored opportunities of renting or purchasing a house close to the orphanage, but as the we prayed and pondered about the practical decisions that laid ahead of us, we felt that God was calling us to live in an apartment on campus at the orphanage. I resisted God in this as the physical structure of our chuppah was changing and I was simultaneously bombarded by feelings of inferiority and anxiety. The plan of having the perfect home ready and waiting for my beautiful bride was not going to happen.

However, in that place of contingency, God has continually given us peace. The other night, Andrea read me the meaning of "shalom", which, translated into English is peace. However, there is so much more to this little word that has come to explain the grace of God evidenced in our lives recently. In spite of the dramatic changes, especially for Andrea as she has left her home, family and comforts having moved to Guatemala without having a home of our own, God is freely offering us His shalom: this completeness, wholeness, health, peace, welfare, safety, soundness, tranquility, prosperity, perfectness, fullness, rest, harmony, an absence of agitation or discord. So, although we may not have a place to call home, I am reminded that I can't even remember God ever promising me that much (Luke 9:58). What He has promised is that He will be with us and never leave us (Deutoronomy 31:8). That He will draw close to us as we draw close to Him (James 4:8) and that in our weakness, he will perfect his power (2 Corinthians 12:9). So, we are trying not to focus as much on how we feel, but rather on realizing and being thankful for what God has already given us. He has given us so much more than a "feeling of peace" about being here, He has given us SHALOM, and with that, we couldn't really ask for anything else.

dsm